I was asked to be on the Your Time With Kim (Iverson’s) radio show. They told me the topic was Swinging, and I was excited. They asked me to talk about jealousy, how to have that ice breaking conversation, tips, and a personal story. I had 7 minutes, and they told me to keep it PG. The show is syndicated in other states and I figured it could be fun. I didn’t know if they were FOR or AGAINST swinging, and since they asked me “as a sexpert” what my thoughts were, I hoped that Kim would play a good middle person. That she (her audience) was curious, and looking for answers. I didn’t think I would have to say anything for or against swinging, I was just going to give facts as best as I know them from experience.
Plus, hey, as much as I like writing – it was a new medium to catch an audience with!
Educating people, open minds, shining light on a new to other people topic AND personal experience? Sign me up! Here it is, hook line and sinker. If you’ve never tuned into the Time With Kim show, then I suggest you take the hour or so and listen to the whole thing to get to know her a little. You know me, mostly, if you’re already a follower or lurker or even a newbie. If you want to skip ahead, go to the 55 minute mark.
————>THE TIME WITH KIM SHOW : SWINGING<———–
Alright, that’s the neutral stuff I have to say about the show, the beginning, before I was called and … questioned. For a full out rant, rebuttal, and for sure a TL;DR post with lots of personal info in it …Guess what? None of that happened, I didn’t get to talk much at all actually. I was passive aggressively pushed off. Every question, and every one of her answers, put a little more shock into me. I was nearly speechless at points… if it was just her and I on this show… the gloves would have come off. It would have been a fantastic debate. But alas, she just wanted to attack and dump me off for the next victim.
She just couldn’t fathom how anyone could be a swinger. Nor could she imagine that swingers are happy, well adjusted people who love one another, and #gasp are happily married… let alone live amongst normal people undetected. The word “sociopath” was flung around, the usage of “oxytocin” was an odd point, every time she said “I couldn’t even imagine”, I wanted to take a shot. She is soooo full of shit. When she laughed, it was like she was waiting for everyone to nervously laugh with her but she knew she was alone in her booth. I wasn’t buying it.
Oxytocin is a bonding chemical, she says, there is a bond between two people after they have sex, and women produce it and asks me how a person could cut it off after sex and move onto someone else. I think she was looking for “jealousy” and by “two people” she means her and her partner.
Biologically, sure, that happens. Like many others, I can separate love from sex, and use oxytocin to my advantage. I include info like that in my workshops. People who swing can get that high from multiple people (the drop sucks, but if you get after care, you’re good to go!), it is like we have the chance to eat different cereal every day! If you’re happy with the same cereal everyday then kudos for you. Monogamy is a test of wills, monogamy is a big decision, it could be easy, it is socially acceptable and it is what most “good books” tell you to do (in the United States anyway). Monogamy is “normal”, wildly accepted, and is assumed. Polyamory/Swinging isn’t for everyone.
I said 50% of people could swing, because, if they just let go and gave into fantasies, established trust, honesty and squashed the green eyed monster… you never know what could happen. You walk down the street and wonder about this guy or that woman anyway. When you have an established, healthy, swinger relationship… you can have your cake and eat it too. It is work, it isn’t easy for many, but it CAN happen. I’d never cram my life down a person’s throat, but if you ask me to talk on your show, I’m going to air my opinion… so don’t be rude and interrupt me, and ask me questions that have VERY little to do with why you asked me on your show in the first place. Once again, #PointsToSelf untapped resource.
I thought I’d get to spread my wings, but NnOOooo. I can only hope that since it was syndicated, that I wrote a new intro for myself and rolled with the punches – people walked away from the show with something positive.
By “I find a way to play with others in all of my relationships,” I don’t mean sneak around and manipulate my partners into doing something they don’t want to. I only had 7 minutes, and they told me to be PG. PG swinging??!! Yeah, I don’t understand it either. Just like when her “sexpert” told her listeners to play truth or dare (what?). When you live life publicly as a “sex worker”, sexpert, porn star and are looking to stay in the business… people know you. People know your agenda, people want to talk to you, people want to sleep with you. Any partner I had, fully knew what they were getting into, by “find a way” I only meant figure out the guidelines we would follow to make us work as a couple.
My first partner and I hooked up with our friends, and we all swapped around. My next partner that I shared was into a full swap, solo swap, anything goes situation. The third partner wanted solo time if the woman wasn’t bisexual but the goal was to play together, he also didn’t want to know if I played solo. I’m very good at what I do, I set people at ease, and my partners are awesome in bed. If I know an orgasmless person – I’m going to share myself, or my partner with them because sex is exciting. Knowing that the pleasure I get from a partner is being unleashed on someone else? I’m sorry, but that is awesome. Some people give hugs, I give myself.
My rules are far more simple, be honest with me and keep me in the loop. Period. When you swing the “cheating” line is foggy. To me, cheating, is lying. Do not lie to me, and we can continue to play. Let me know what you’re up to, I don’t want any clingers, or diseases, and I want this lifestyle aired. Don’t omit, and if I can’t fuck the person you’re with… for fucks sake… let me know how it went so I can live vicariously though you! I know not all women are bisexual, but that doesn’t mean we can’t share the fantasy.
What bugged me, was that she was speaking about swingers as if we were aliens, mystical creatures, and are wrong. Now that I’ve said that, listen closely to the phrases she uses, the deflection, the disgust in her wording. Ugh, I wish more of “us” were open and walking around publicly… it is getting lonely out here. A bunch of the GLBT people came out, the BDSMers too, I think there needs to be more sexuality, sensuality movements going on. Sex bloggers, toy reviewers, erotica writers, home movie makers… UNITE! I know what happened to me is tiny compared to what happened to Tristan Taormino recently, but it is happening across the boards. Whether you’re breaking into the business like me, or are already very established like Tristan. Why? Because of ridicule and societal norms. Just come out. Sex isn’t dirty, owning sex toys is awesome, your mom will come around, and your dad will have questions. People wish they can do what we do and envy our collections. Why hide it? We all do it, but don’t admit it… drives me CRAZY!
er, getting back…
What the hell was with her comment to another guest who is married and looking into swinging, and Kim says something like “oh, well, give me a call in a couple of years and tell me how that goes”. The caller paused, trying to figure out if she was insulted or not. Who says that to someone?
Every time I think about it, I get angry.
You want to open up a topic? Don’t be so disgusted you opened the door and found an overwhelming positive response.
I forget I surround myself with sex positive people, I get lost in my bubble and don’t realize (at times) that people who talk to me seek out my opinion, not everyone is as positive and sexually aware. There are people who not only oppose me but are seeking me out, to out their opinion and say “hey world, I’m right, and this person is an alien”. I read about injustices, and I get angry with people who behave like Bible Thumpers… I’ll never show up your doorstep unsolicited.
I came home and was talking to a friend who stopped by for a visit, and used the term Bible Thumper and he asked me what I say to those kinds of people, I responded with “keep your roseries off my ovaries” (credit given to a bumper sticker I saw). Which is how I view anyone who wants to tell me what to do, or how to live my life. Shortly after that, what kept playing in my head was Avon Junkies lyrics “I AM, THE VOICE, OF ME” (s0rry, its off their new album, come to a show and maybe you’ll hear it) and Dream Theater too (As I am)… I’m living my life the way I want to, and I’m not an alien (and don’t judge my taste in music either).
Are you happy Kim? You stirred the pot, and got a reaction, ultimately that is the point… but I wouldn’t call it a win.
What have I learned? I need to get on the road, and I need to blog twice as hard. They found me via google, so that means I’m doing something right. Want me to talk in your classroom, to your friends, at an expo, do a workshop, on your podcast/radio/tv show? CONTACT ME, I’ll be glad to.
#BigSigh
So… what did YOU think of the show?
